|"A Beggar Girl" by Sargent (c. 1877)|
When my husband died nearly two years ago it was as if in a thunderstruck moment I realised that the cosmos was not as I thought it to be - it was so much darker and more painful than I had imagined. I saw that the Gods had not kept me free from misfortune, and that my approach to worship had been absurd. I dismantled my beautiful shrine and even destroyed one of the statues in a state of bitterness and blank despair. But I did not stop believing in the Gods, nor did I hate them. Rather, I saw that on a very fundamental level *I* had got it wrong and that I needed a wiser and more realistic approach to the divine. Answers to difficult questions can never be finite - because the universe and the questions keep changing - but at this moment the truth (as I see it) is this - that I was more of a spiritual beggar than a spiritual seeker.
When religious practice revolves around begging for blessings from the Gods why should the Gods not go silent? The best Gods surely don’t wish to surround themselves with emotional paupers, begging for this favour one day and that favour on another? Would they not rather take an interest in those with the fire to go out and seize the day, taking what they want based on their own hard work and determination? What God worth worshipping favours sycophants and beggars? The Gods don’t exist for us so that they can dole out all the things we are too weak to get for ourselves. They exist in their own right, with their own ambitions - just as we do. It may be that they influence events, but their powers are not infinite and they cannot change the fundamental realities of all life in the cosmos - which is that loss and death and the suffering these things bring is inevitable. We ourselves have more power to alleviate our suffering than any God. Even if there were a God or Gods who granted us every wish we would just keep asking for more, and growing evermore spiritually infantalised all the while. When finally those indulgent Gods become bored of their beggar-worshippers what despair and tantrum throwing begins! For some people atheism is the ultimate “f—k you for not answering my prayers!”